FulfillingMen

If men are not intrinsically broken, and condemned by their original sin (of being male) to lives without sex and romance, then where does the sex deficit (the gap between male and female sexual need) get filled?

Historically:

• rape – men need sex, so they’d rape women
• marriage w/ force – men need sex, so they’d marry, and women would have to have sex with him
• marriage w/ attraction – man was the glory of god, and women were the glory of men, and they were sexually impressed, and so she had sex with him
• ??? – we don’t really know, we’re alive today, not then; some mixture of rape and marriage seems to make sense, though

Forcing women to have sex with men is (now, finally, thank goodness,) out of the question.

So Today:

• attraction – men need sex, so if they get rich, women fall for him, and sexually desire him (why aren’t you a CEO yet?)
• buying her stuff – men in desperation buy expensive things for women, and this momentarily restores libidenous feeling
  • sad, but true and real, even though it makes women look ugly
• sex contract – men need sex, so men make contracts with their wives, “we’ll have sex on Thursday,” and she gives in out of sympathy
• dominance & submission (D/s) – some couples catch on to what makes women attracted to men, (read a Romance Novel for some help here,) and artificially create a power imbalance
• marriage w/ high libido woman – a teeny tiny handful of women (who are cited unbelievably often) have high libidos even after marriage; a man who can find one of these rare women and can match her appetite is guaranteed sex
  • this teeny tiny handful is always invoked, whenever someone suggests women and men might have different sex drives

More commonly today:

• denial – “Men need sex?! Crazy talk! Everyone knows marriage is about Love!”
• rejection – Men don’t need sex; Sex is just a want. And you can’t have everything you want in life.
• excuse – “It’s just not reasonable to expect to have sex after marriage.”
• complaint – “You did all chores for 3 weeks? Well… you also have to give up the expectation of sex. Then I might get interested.”
• empty recommendation – “Why don’t you try X?” (X = rituals, petals, baths, tantra, communication, and myriad other “doing something but not really doing anything” approaches)
• depression – “why aren’t I interested in him?”
• drugs – “if I take this pill, you say I’ll want to have sex with him again?”
• confusion, apathy, and sorrow

Far and away, the most common “solution” in our MiddleClassWhiteSociety is denial and rejection and excuse and complaint and empty recommendation. It is 20-00’s. I name the decade, because I strongly believe things will change by 2010’s, 2020’s, or 2030’s. (Into what, I don’t know.)

Even when sex is granted, it’s not very fulfilling: She’s not into it, or she has a very limited repertoir, and she doesn’t want to experiment.

The thing is, it’s not just sex. Sex is how men feel. Feel what? Just lust? Romance?

SexAndSpiritInMen

My experience, which generalizes out to a lot of other men’s experience, is that the following are deeply intertwined:

• sexual desire – desire to have sex
• desire more broadly – “I love living! I want to be somebody, do things!”
• interest – interest in ideas, interest in life
• lust – “I want her now!”
• crush – heartfelt feeling for a woman
• color – “There’s color in my life, there are rainbows, there is vitality.”
• spirituality – “I am a full living being, on Planet Earth, doing right, being right.”
• confidence – “I like who I am.”
• vitality – motion, exploration, questing
• glow – general aura of peace and strength and stability and warmth

Don’t believe me? Here’s a quote, one of zillions, in support:

A man was writing about an affair he was having. He didn’t like the painful effects, so he said, “Instead of having an affair, here’s what I’d do” --

I’d flirt more with others (but stop short of the physical), go out more as a couple (dancing, drinking, whatever), pursue creative activities such as dancing, singing, and writing, and be more experimental sexually at home. I would spend more time by myself, read more fiction, and experience some of the excitement that I craved vicariously. Realistically, none of these experiences would approximate the intensity of the affair.

source

Here we see clearly how a man’s spirit is compared with his sexuality.

Many women, and society as a whole, has suggested to men: “If you need sex to feel loved or confident, there’s something wrong with you that you need to correct.” I believe that this is a direct response to TheProblemOfMaleSexuality. And what it basically tells men, is a reiteration of: “Go to hell, you’re needs don’t matter.” This is something we tell ourselves (unconsciously) on a daily basis, such as when we divert our eyes from a pretty girl or woman. This is why men live in a scarcity mindset.

There is some good advice here, (we should see ourselves as noble beings, regardless of whether we’re having sex or not,) but the saying loses all utility when used as a bludgeon to isolate & shame men, which is what’s going on. Men are just as happy to use the bludgeon on themselves; More on this sort of thing on MenSupressingMen?; It does not change any of the above, about men’s SexAndSpiritInMen.

Women (in general) do not experience sex the same way. Sex is clearly separate from romance. A woman can have zero sex, and still feel like they’re in a completely romantic nice lovey relationship.

Notice that I did not list “romance” in the feelings above; It’s basically a feeling that I think men in general basically do not experience. I’ve felt a feeling like romance many times, but it does not feel like the right word to me. We need a separate, male version of the word, because it’s sufficiently different. We do not feel “romance” in the female’s sense of the word, and they basically own that word these days.

A consequence of all this is that when you attack a man’s lusts, you’re simultaneously attacking a man’s spirit.

You absolutely cannot separate the lust from the spirit.

(How do you explain monks, then? Forced sublimation, basically. I can tell you stories… I think many of them are damaged, and are taking out last refuge from the cruelties of dating; NorahVincent can tell you a little about those cruelties.)

A man who uproots his sexual nature uproots his heart. And many men are doing just this, because women and men (MenSupressingMen?) are demanding it of them.

Back to the Original Question

What can we do to fulfill men?

I honestly do not know.

But I have some ideas. One, I’m calling “SexualWorld,” in which male sexuality is honored.

See Also

GenderAndSexuality

• WomenDontKnowHowToFulfillMen